Today was the first

Today was the first day of chemo, though tomorrow it really becomes hard core. I started my fight with a L.P. (Lumbar Puncture) and then the doctor inserted a shot of chemo into my spine. One of the most painful things I've ever had to go through (almost as bad as a bone marrow biopsy). I'm kind of at a loss as what to tell everyone. I've been so caught up in going and taking action that my emotions have taken a back seat. It seems that everyday I have some new procedure to do. One day it is an e.k.g and then getting two units of whole blood and then the next it is getting platelets and chemo. Everyday is different and tiring. The one thing that seems to remain constant is that I have a very hard time sleeping. I don't know if it is the stress of all the sudden changes, or the new environment, but something is keeping me awake at night. I have been able to use this time though to connect with God. I find myself tossing and turning as if my physical body is imitating the struggle I'm going through with God. All of the age old questions are there; why this, why now, why me? I have a firm belief that God has a plan for everything. I hold tight to that every time I doubt His divine purpose. I don't want to sound preachy or cliche', but truth is steadfast. My brother gave me this example which really helped me out. See, life is like a quilt. While we are on earth we see what's underneath, the criss-crosses, the back-stitches, and the mistakes. But when we get to Heaven, we see what God sees- a beautiful complete work of art. And right now this disease may look to me like a double-cross-back-stitch, but I can't wait to see what design God has just brought me into. I've spent the last ten months cleaning up, growing up, and moving closer to God. I thought that life would be peaches after I had a year clean. I would be "a mature adult." More now then ever before have I been able to see God preparing me for this battle. I have the hope to persevere, I have the wisdom to cry out for help, and I have the faith that Christ has not brought me this far to simply let me go. I have good days and bad days, but the beautiful thing about that is that my friends and my family love me through it all. I will fight. "I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me."