To understand the imposible.

Over the years I think I've become a writer. As much as I don't know about grammar and spelling, words and ideas fascinate me. Having the ability to pen out what I feel and having the capability to express myself with words is the best relief I could ever ask for. These past two months have been so incredibly impossible to understand. I haven't ever felt so numb and incapable of truly expressing myself. I have been able to get on here and tell cyberland that the doctors have said this and I am staying positive and that this treatment is doing this. But it all seems so surreal. There are times during the day when I don't feel sick. I sit and things feel normal. I don't have pain, I don't feel like I'm going to loose my lunch, and I don't feel lost or confused. But then those moments slip by and I return to the impossible. I don't understand. I want so much to understand. The doctors give me what they call a road map of my treatment. It outlines the plans for when and what drugs I'll be receiving and for how long and how much. Anyway, I wish that there was a road map for how to deal with this situation. I began thinking about how best I knew to cope. In the past I've run to substances or even people to escape dealing with the problems at hand. I'd loose myself in doing something, work, school (well maybe not class work, but I'd go to class and sit :), even creating projects for myself just so I wouldn't have to face the music. With this I can't run. I can't go to work and forget about it. There isn't an escape. I have a constant reminder that something in my body is trying to hurt me. I try to put on a brave face. But now I have no faces left. I've run out of excuses and I have to accept that I must go through this. It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do or deal with. The awsome thing is that God makes the imposible posible. My brother Joshua told me this a long time ago when I was facing some things, that at that time, I didn't think I was going to make it; "People say God will never give you more than you can handle. And that is only partly true. God will never give you more than you can handle with Him." I just need to remember the "with Him" part. Please keep praying. The chemo, meds, and just this disease in general are really taking a toll on me.