Day 18

Today makes day 18 at Emory University Hospital. After spending this much time in one room you would think I would be tired. Well, I am. Haha. At this point in treatment the best way to describe how I feel is tired. The medicine is building up in my system and is really starting to affect me. Tomorrow will be another big day. I have a bone marrow biopsy, spinal tap/ lumbar puncture, and IV chemo. Today I'm just spending resting. My mom did get to come up yesterday and today! :) My stepdad also made a surprise visit along with Ronnie and Tommy Dampier. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. Miss you all.

Nonsense

I have the pleasure of possessing an active imagination. After spending weeks in a single room can your imagination be asked to remain still and quiet? Mine will certainly not. I keep rolling over and over in my mind the past weeks events and how they came to be. After spending time on the phone talking with many friends and loved ones, I've decided to document my feelings and multiple responses to this life changing news. One question that seems to be reoccurring is what did you first think when the doctors said it was leukemia? To be honest I don't know. I received the diagnosis on Friday, but it was really on Thursday that I think I knew. When they said that they would have to test for leukemia I just sort of knew that is what it was. I wasn't scared, confused, or even angry. I was very okay with it. Looking back that is how I would have wanted it to go. What can you do really? Say no thanks I'll take something else. I had a problem set before me and instead of shirking it off, I accepted. My life has always been full of some kind of drama or another. It would be a shame now, if just because I'm confined to four walls, should that change. With lunacy running high in my family I easily became the cherry on the top. I never wished for some trauma to run my life a muck, but I would be lying not to say that traumatic experiences highlight the lives of those who I admire and call great. I am, for lack of a better expression, excited about the changes this disease will and had brought into my life. For one thing, I have lost weight. I know that is shallow and pathetic, but it makes me smile. For anyone who truly knows me, they know that my self image is less than sterling. Over the past week I've lost a total of 8lbs and 6 oz. (A baby) Also, in the area of losing things, my hair has decided that a vacation is long overdue. I was combing it out and when I say out. I mean ....out. I huge chunk fell to the sink. I cried. But then, all of a sudden I was okay with it. It all became so clear. Then medicine wasn't just pills anymore. The chemo wasn't just fluid anymore. The pain wasn't just temporary anymore. The climax had come and it was real. It was at that moment that I was angry. That moment when confusion had decided to fall. It was at that moment that I was scared that I couldn't do this. I got into the shower and cried. All I wanted at that moment was someone to hold me. Someone to tell me that I was going to be okay. No one was here. My family was in Macon, Birmingham, and Jackson. My friends were taking care of their responsibilities and I was alone. I felt sorry for myself. I was alone and by what I could tell, no one really cared. As I got out of the shower, still crying, it hit me. I am not alone. How could I have ever forgotten? How could I have not known to run into God's hands? After spewing off rhetoric about knowing God has a plan for all this, how could I be so blind? Just like in a movie, I crawled into my bed, wet hair and all, pulled the covers tight up to my chin, and I cried into God's arms. No day is like the one before it even though the same things happen everyday.

Big Brother to the Rescue

Greetings everyone, I am posting for Brianne as she is tired, not feeling well today and without a computer for a few days. I have been unable to see my Beez as I have had a terribly nagging cold/sinus infection for a week now. Due to the immuno-suppressed systems of the leukemia patients, I am not allowed to visit. It has been very difficult not being with Brianne but, she has had numerous emails, calls and dear friends visit this week. Thankfully, Christopher (Big Brother) was able to leave UAB Wednesday and stayed with Beez at the hospital. I was very thankful he could be with Brianne as Thursday another lumbar/spinal tap with chemo was scheduled. She was also surprised with the announcement of needing to perform another bone marrow biopsy. This one ended up being much more painful than the others, probably due to a weakened system. Christopher said she did remarkably well as he watched the painful procedure in supportive empathy. We should have some results next week and information on her ALL subtype.
We have had a few very encouraging reports to share. Today, during the biopsy they were able to aspirate some fluid from her bone marrow. That is an improvement as in the previous biopsies they were unable to aspirate fluid (due to numerous and tightly packed cancer cells). The spinal fluid was clear and that is a very good sign. Also, her doctor said they have been watching her cells and see a decrease in the cancer cells, so the chemo is doing it's work.
Brianne has had several good days but since Thursdays events and a double chemo treatment she was very tired, achy, weak and nauseated today. She will get a few days break from chemo and punctures for the time being. One week down, two more to go with the inpatient treatment. The prayers from everyone are evident and carrying us through with constant hope. I am overwhelmingly amazed at the supernatural peace that has kept me grounded. Due to our humanness, questions occasionally loom but I always end up resting in the promises of a Faithful Father.
Brianne has really enjoyed getting mail at the hospital so I am giving you the contact information again.
The number to call at her bedside is 404-712-3615. Her mailing address is Brianne Tsavatewa room 615E c/o Emory Hospital 1364 Clifton Rd. NE Atlanta, Ga 30322.
Thanks again everyone for your prayers, love and support.
Brenda Tsavatewa-Lester

Wednesday 9/26

Dr. Heffner came by this morning and spoke with me about how well I'm responding to treatment. I have been on fluids 24 hours a day for the past week to flush out my kidneys. The doctor says I can now come off of them. YES!! I'll be "free." Tomorrow I have another chemo treatment and a lumbar puncture. Woo, can't wait. Tomorrow will be a hard one so please keep me in your prayers.

Week 3 Has Officially Started

It is amazing how much can change in such a short period of time. Three weeks ago I was making plans for the Halloween costume contest at work, and now I'm making plans on when I'm going to receive blood. It has been hard to be completely honest with my feelings about this whole situation. Sitting around the hospital is giving me time to think. I haven't ever given myself time to learn how to just be. I am always running around, working, schooling, or just doing something to occupy my time. I've come to realize that I don't know how to be alone with myself. I get antsy and bored after 10 mins of alone time. What kind of life is that? (Rhetorical question) There is this theme that keeps coming to mind. That God is working now more on what going on in my heart than my body. I made this revelation. It isn't so much that I'm afraid to be who I am. It is that I don't really know who I am. So, I'm searching. What a way to start, eh? There will be more to come I'm sure. I still have 3 more weeks of this. :) If anyone is just itching to send something...I don't have any music. For those of you who know me best, you know that I can't live without music. Send me a link to a great song on youtube or a link to a great song on itunes... I miss you all. I love you all. And thank you for being there for me.

Monday 9/24

The doctors are saying good things about how I'm responding to treatment. They say that my body is accepting the chemo well, and it's working. I am still going to have to stay for the long haul, but at least I have some good news. :) I am tired often. The medicine that I'm on I guess is making me tired. Oh, well. It is a small price to pay. Tonight will be short and sweet. I am really in need of some good rest. Hopefully tonight I will get that. I love you all. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers.

A Post for You

Today I had another chemo treatment. As I was scanning through reading some of what I have written and the comments posted I was overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed with the thoughts and prayers that you all have so selflessly given to me. This time in my life is trying and everyday there seems to be a new struggle, but never once have I had to doubt that I was loved. Never once have I had to doubt that someone out there (in the vast world of cyberland) was praying for me. Today I just wanted to thank you all for your love, support, and prayers. I have bad days. Today isn't so great, but I can rest in knowing that there are only so many hours in day. Tomorrow will be new and different. This post is for you. A virtual toast to your wonderful and kind thoughts. Thank you.